Wednesday, March 19, 2014

5 Reasons Why Mirror's Edge Needs to Burn In A Fire Somewhere

DICE

This game is so bad that when I held a sacrificial ceremony to send it to the depths of hell where it belongs, Satan returned it with a note reading "Naw we don't want this shit, bro."


This game is so bad that if I were held at gunpoint and demanded to say "I love Mirror's Edge", then I would shit myself and proceed to kiss my ass goodbye. In fact, I would rather take the fifteen dollars that I spent on Mirror's Edge and mail it to what I assume to be one of many Nigerian princes that send me emails, because at least there's no pretense that it's anything but complete bullshit. Dearest reader, I present to you the worst video game that I have ever had the displeasure of playing, Miriror's Edge. This review is brought to you courtesy of "Lists".

Lists, because everyone is doing it!

5. Controls So Bad You Rather Talk With You Grandmother For An Hour Than Play This

Do me a favor and grab the video game controller nearest you and tell me where your right thumb lands on the controller.

Somewhere right there, right?
Now, in just about every notable, good video game, the jump button will land somewhere in the real estate under your right thumb because, well, duh. Super Mario Bros did it right the first time so why on Earth did some clever putz at DICE decide to make the jump button the motherfucking left shoulder button? FUCKING WHY?!

Before I continue, allow me to explain my anger. When you first start up Mirror's Edge you're treated to crazy good ambient music and a rather sexy menu.

This was a close 2nd, but ultimately beaten
due to the lack of snazzy elevator music.

By all measures, things look and sound great already, and the start menu is something games tend to give little thought to, so the extra touch Mirror's Edge gives is most appreciated here. Once you're actually underway in the campaign, it gets even better as your mouth quivers a little over the game's stunning art, slick frame rate, and great sound mixing. Ethereal in tone, the game's impressive presentation is a wonder to behold. I can't even fathom how much more drool worthy this game looks on PC.

Thanks to the internet, I won't have to fathom anything!

But it's all pretense. Before you know it, you are slam dunked in the middle of a tutorial session that teaches you that the shoulder buttons are used for crouching and jumping, ruining Mirror Edge's dazzling beauty from the get-go. The control scheme is not only cumbersome to use, they cross the line into insulting territory as Mirror's Edge, a game with a primary focus on free running dedicates no face buttons at all to he practice of running free. Think about that for a moment. Somewhere and time during the creation of this game, a developer beheld the technical wonder of the modern video game controller and proceeded to wipe his ass with it than to think up of something that makes sense. And that's exactly what the gamer gets with this Mirror's Edge: complete ass doo-doo. 

But okay, sure it's not impossible to erase years of your game playing instinct to "Press X to jump" for one video game's stupid as all hell control scheme, but even if you've managed to do that, the controls only sometimes work. Which brings me to...

4. Rules Less Trustworthy Than A Guy Standing Outside Your Window at 3 AM Rubbing his Hands Together Menacingly. Why Won't You Return My Calls, Baby?

Every good video game will take time out to explain to the player it's rules in the beginning through a tutorial level. Essentially, this means you'll learn functions of each button and what you can and cannot do in the game world. To Mirror's Edge's credit, the in-game tutorial level does give you an infinite amount of time to practice the rules that it teaches. But much like ordering a steak and egg dinner from IHOP, all that follows once rules change unexpectedly is a torrent of shit.

There is nothing to "<3" about a night of the squirts.
You will attempt to perform a series of leaps through a jumping puzzle and end up falling to your death simply because the game decides to change the rules. Environment pieces that you were able to grasp onto before simply won't allow you to do so depending on which part of the level you are in. Therefore, each level becomes a grotesquely frustrating game of trial and error. Was it the poo-like control scheme designed by sociopaths that lead to your inexplicable fall, or was it the game's rules changing because fuck you? This sick joke is made worse by an ironic twist: Mirror's Edge encourages you to find alternate routes through it's jumping puzzles! Right, and I like a few swift kicks to the groin from time to time. 

Look, DICE, if I wanted to play a game of trial and error where I may die without any clear explanation as to why, I'd spend fifteen dollars in a dark alley somewhere and go nuts. Free-running is already fun in of itself, where the major challenge should be how quickly one can traverse the jumping puzzle. There is no need for this fake difficulty. 

3. Has Less Clarity Than Motives Behind Why Your Ex Repeatedly Likes Your Facebook Statuses. I Really Do Love You.

As you're busy tumbling through the levels like a Raggedy Ann Doll dropped down a flight of stairs, a game, by the way, infinitely more fun than Mirror's Edge, you'll realize you have no bloody idea of where to go. Okay, maybe-- just maybe--I am being a tad unfair here as you can hold down one of the face buttons that points your character in the general area that you need to go. But, of course, that only works sometimes in certain areas where the destination is obvious and never once where it could prove to be useful. Death shall become your best friend in such trying times.

 I hope you like black death screens.

Mirror's Edge does have a somewhat helpful visual gimmick, though, called Runner's Vision. Runner's Vision highlights certain areas of the in game world a bright red to hint to you where you need to go next. When the game lets you play at your pace, it works. Alas, there are cat and mouse levels where ceasing to run to gain your bearings means you'll have three dudes in spandex punching you all over your body until you die. And no matter how hot that sounds, it's no fun when you have to contend with the aforementioned problems on top of the absolute worst combat system in any game that I have played so far.

2. Combat So Bad That It Makes Skyrim's Combat System Look Like Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. I Tried So Hard, You Know?

Oh boy, looks like you can't swing a cat without hitting a brick wall of turds with this one. Between the free running sections, you'll have to contend with trigger happy enemies that you must take down with hand to hand combat. Yes you can snatch a gun from an unwitting enemy, but much like in Far Cry 3, your enemy will outgun you, outnumber you, and they each have 20/20 vision, popping caps in your ass faster than you can say "ugh why am I doing this?"

Anyway, you use the right shoulder button for punches and kicks, and you use one of the face buttons for bullet time to counter attack an enemy, stealing his weapon in the process. Great, but too bad it does not work. The game will provide you a window to counter signaled by the enemy's weapon glowing red for .00023 seconds. This provides an impossible challenge for anyone other than cats, which is great for sentient cats. The game will provide a hint stating that running before attacking deals more damage but you will never be quick enough to avoid a blast of buckshot moments before you land your jumping kick, breaking your attack.

That, or maybe an enemy will shoot a nefarious, explosive barrel conveniently placed a few steps outside of the level's spawn point for the player, treating you to instant death unless you, again, are of the family felidae

1. Mirror's Edge's Appeal Depreciates Faster than A GameStop Receipt Around Christmas Time. I Am Going To Need That Circuit City Gift Card Back.

Here's the funny thing about this game: outside of stellar presentation...



...there is nothing good that I have to say about this game. If you've noticed, dearest reader, I have enjoyed playing each game that I have reviewed for Plus Minus Infinity. In fact, each video game that I have played up until this point in my life I have found some redeeming quality that allows me to find joy in it. Mirror's Edge, though? Forget about it.

Yes, there are moments of awesome where rapidly free running across rooftops as you're being chased by the most limber police ever where the adrenaline kicks in and you feel like an utter badass. Alas, such moments are brief, as one of the aforementioned points will rear it's ugly head sooner or later to completely spoil the fun. And I suppose it wouldn't be fair to get this far into this review without mentioning the time trial and replay mission modes, which is great if you have low self-esteem and self-harm is your only coping mechanism.

So.... Worth Buying?

No. Hell no. Don't even joke about that. To sum up, though, here's a cheat sheet of why you should avoid this turd or die trying.
  1. Controls are complete ass. The interface between you, the gamer, and your video game should be as clear and easy to use as possible. A heard of adolescent elephants teeming with must could have come up with a better control scheme for Mirror's Edge.
  2. Unreliable in-game rules leads to a ridiculously aggravating experience, where previously learned in game experiences mean nothing in new areas. Good games, like Portal, do not change their rules often throughout gameplay.
  3. The game play is riddled with difficultly so fake that it makes that weird cat lady look like Natalie Portman.
     

  4. Stay far away.*
*Unless its the PC version, in which case go wild with the near endless control scheme options at your disposal.

3 comments:

  1. THANK YOU very much for this lovely insight review I will most certainly not play this nor ever pick it up as far as pc games go I don't do those do to my shitty laptop now with needing to reset it once every month so you got my lovely support on this and as always MATE has your back.

    Sincerely yours: WTF__MATE

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While I do love to encourage everyone to give any given video game a fair chance, I must say that I am glad that you are recognize that I have suffered here so you don't have to.

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  2. I love this game and disagree with all these points :) Played on pc.

    ReplyDelete